Ahhhh......

So full. Still. Food. Drink. Too much. Very fun.

That about sums up the last few days here. I just want to say, I really do love my neighborhood. We went to two parties this weekend and had some more neighbors over for Christmas dinner.

My Christmas dinner was so fun this year. Food is one of my favorite parts of any holiday. I love the variety and the special recipes that only come out at special times of year. We had an awesome Thanksgiving dinner and honestly, with all the holiday dinners/parties/functions that we attend every year I really didn't want the same meal again with only a month in between.

So this year I took advantage of an ornament released by H @llmark commemorating a German Christmas doorway. This is the first year they have done it so I decided that I would get the ornament and serve a German Christmas menu. So, we had Sauerbraten, Potato Dumplings, and I roasted some vegetables. For dessert I made Apple Studel and a Stollen bread. I also made a crock of Gluehwein (mulled wine). It was so fun.

I have wanted to do something like this for a few years and it just worked out that H @llmark had somewhat of the same idea.

I would love to travel Europe someday and actually taste real German food. I have to say, it was all good, just different that what we are used to. It took awhile to get used to the taste of the meat because it was marinated in wine and vinegar for 3 days. The whole time it was roasting on the stove I was really nervous because it smelled.... not great.

I can't wait to see what next year will bring.

I got quite a few nice gifts. The best was a letter from my youngest sister. She sent me a new Olivia book and in the first page she had stuck a letter. To say that I was surprised, not only to get a gift but a letter as well, would be an understatement. I don't have much of any kind of relationship with my sisters. As I read it, I could remember the little girl that she used to be. She was funny, and quick, and smart. She caught me off guard with her statements and for the first time, she really sounded like a grown up. She is in her mid-20's so it is about time. I was just dumbfounded. After I reread her letter 3 times and E and Dani went outside to play, I lay on my bed and sobbed.

I sobbed for the last 12 years of not knowing her. I sobbed for her hardships. I sobbed for missing her. I sobbed for not being able to see her and her girls. I sobbed for our childhood. I need to write her back. I will.... I just need to get over the shock of it and collect my thoughts.

I'm excited. And hopeful that this may finally be the bridge that we needed. I still feel like my mom is the troll.

Things I Didn't Do

1. Make my usual prerequisite dozen varieties of Christmas cookies. (sadly this means no Pumkpin Spice Whoopie Pies)

2. Put Dani's school picture in my cards. I'm sorry, I got halfway through stuffing and sealing envelopes before I realized it. By then I just said screw it.

3. Didn't have my cards made until the day before I sent them out. I usually have this done a month early. Which means I designed them and made them all in a matter of hours.

4. Didn't buy gifts for any friends or other family members. I know. I suck.

5. Didn't get any mistletoe. I wanted some.... just never got to it. Besides, I guess I don't need a poisonous, parasitic plant in my house.

6. Didn't use the three 9 foot green garlands that I bought for .75 last year. Or the wreaths.

7. Didn't use a box of lights that I bought this year.

8. Didn't get a family picture taken.

9. Didn't get any holiday scented candles. I don't like the smell of trees, or cinnamon, or cranberry, or cookies. That doesn't leave much else.

10. Didn't care about buying our presents on the credit card. We're going a little in debt, but we are having a great time.

There. 10 things that I didn't do this year. And you know what. It doesn't matter. I have E. I have Dani. I have my home. I have my friends. I have love, health, compassion, and confidence. I am finding Joy and Peace. I'll shoot for Hope next year.

I'm looking forward to the year ending. I didn't have fun. But I'm ending it the best way I can. By putting it behind me, and trying so hard not to look back. Because if I'm looking behind me, I will miss what is around me.
Merry Christmas Everyone.

Nerd Alert

I probably had way more fun with this redesign than I should have. Once I 'customized' my blog in blogger it was much easier to do.

Please let me know if the viewing is not to your liking and I will try to tweak as much as I can. But for now, I really like it.

Favorite Things

I dabbled in PhotoShop last night. This is what I made. Now I need to figure out how to make it my masthead. I think I am in love with PhotoShop.


I am also in love with this cereal. It has dried apples, pecans, raisins, oats.... YUMMY!


Also I love my new red hair. I thought it would be fitting for the season.

I love our cooler weather. We are finally below 70 degrees. That means fires in the fireplace. I also love Zoloft. I feel so much better. I actually love things now. That is such a huge step for me.

Wanted: Girlfriend

Well, a few good days wouldn't be complete without having bad one thrown in for good measure. Today wasn't so much a bad day as it just felt unproductive. I took my Wellness final today and I got home about 11:30. I felt like I came down off the semester high. There was a lot of laundry that I had to do and those damn leaves that keep finding their way into the house. They keep falling off that damn beautiful tree in my front yard. Anyway, I got home, spent a few minutes on the computer and I just couldn't concentrate. So, I went to lay in bed, turned on the TV and didn't wake up until after 2. Huh? I must have fallen asleep. There goes my time that I wanted to do laundry and sweep, and I need to clean those bathrooms. Gah.

I've also been having some growing issues with my friends in the neighborhood. I love my neighbors, but they all have their issues and they like to come to me to 'fix' them. One friend has GROWING issues with her husband. If they didn't have FOUR children I'm sure they would have gotten divorced or killed each other already. He was recently physical with her, he was arrested and now she wants his charge dropped so that he can return home to spend Christmas with the kids before he deploys. That's all well and fine, but she calls me on the phone and says, "Since you are so good with words, do you think you can help me write this letter to the prosecutor. Oh, and I have to have it to her tomorrow." Ugh.

In Alaska, I had a friend who I loved. We got really close in the last year that we were there. We still keep in touch now and I love it. We rarely went to each other with problems, and if we did, they were minor. We gave each other advice and we followed it. We also just hung out, talked, cooked dinner together, took the kids places. It was a real friendship. It was much more than swapping favors and it seems like swapping is all I do here. I love being able to help people, but it gets a little frustrating because they need something all the time, and I rarely need anything.

I just need a girlfriend. I love you all. You are all so supportive. I wish I could see you in real life and go out to have lunch, or wrap presents, or go to the beach (which is lovely this week- temps in the high 70's and no tourists), or just sit on the porch swing and drink some coffee and talk about everything under the sun.

Any takers?

I think I found my Compass

I don't know if I've really mentioned what Erik and my path of choice has been regarding our 'family plan'. Basically, we are letting things ride the way they are. A family of three. I have some, alot, of guilt saying this, but it has really allowed me to put my energy into so many different areas that I know I will be able to see results in.

First, me. I have been putting more into school. I am really proud of myself for doing so well in my classes and I have even benefitted from helping other people. I have been working with a girl in my Accounting class who is doing terribly. In the past week she has gained a much better understanding of things and it feels so good to me that I have been able to help her. I already have an A in the class so I am not going to take the final, but I told her I would absolutely help her study because I would love to see her get a C.

My Wellness class final is Tuesday. I am not concerned with this at all as the study guide that the teacher gave us we are allowed to use during the final. Last week we evaluated our progress in the class. I did approximately 20 more crunches, 20 more pushups, gained almost 2 inches on my sit-n-reach, and I lost 6% body fat. Of course I attribute this to the other 3 work outs during the week, not just the 2 class days. I am very proud of what I have acccomplished. However, I badly need a new pair of sneakers because I am having a horrible time with shin splints. I need to ask my doctor about the step of my feet because I think that my feet/legs sag inward which may make my step awkward which may aggravate my shin splints. Not too mention my horrible CHRONIC BACK PAIN that never goes away.

The non stress of conceiving has also allowed me to start to really play with Dani. I can talk to her, listen to her, and truly appreciate her for who she is without feeling sad about what I would be missing. Though I give no promises toward the middle of January which would have been my due date.

One other thing, which I don't know is good or not, but right now I don't care. Wine. Since I'm not trying to conceive, I have no trouble ingesting at least a 3 glasses of wine a week. Sometimes this is all in one night.... sometimes over several nights. Sometimes I drink a whole bottle a night though that is only on the weekends. I enjoy feeling relaxed. I enjoy being able to look past the dishes in the sink and the crushed leaves scattered on my floor. I have been making a huge effort on my part to love E and Dani every day and to let them know it. I think I'm doing a good job.

So, in summation. Giving up on our family plan at this point has been hard. And my counselor said it would be. But I've also known for a long time that it was something that I needed to do. Because, indirectly, it was defining who I was. And I didn't want to be that woman, mom, or wife. I want to be Liv. And I'm on my way.

Living Nativity

Over the weekend we decorated the house for Christmas. E put lights up outside, we put the tree up together, and I put all of my little trinkets and things that I have collected out and around the house. Its quite cozy in here and last night Dani and I did homework in front of a roaring fire. It was lovely.

While digging through our ornament box Dani found a white box that holds my Nativity scene. I actually haven't displayed it for a few years because I am so conflicted in my beliefs. I decided that I would let her set it up in her room and I found a silver star shaped basket and some novelty straw and we set up the Nativity on a shelf in her room. She loves it.

The next morning she asked why people were bringing presents to Jesus and I told her it was a long story.... did she want me to tell her about it? I had hoped that I could brush up on the Book of Matthew before she asked me, but no such luck. She was very curious. So, to the best of my memory, I told her who the story was about. King Herod, Mary, Joseph, Jesus, the Wise Men, the shephards, and the angels. She was very fascinated and said that she would now like us to find a book with that story in it. Oy.

I told her that a lot of people celebrate Christmas to celebrate Jesus' birthday. She wanted to know why we didn't give him presents. I told her that He lives in Heaven and to honor the way that he loved all people of the world, we give presents to each other, because Jesus would give up a present so that someone else could have one.

She asked a few more questions and by the time she was done, I was in a cold sweat. She really took the story to heart.

She is currently out in our front yard, with a naked baby doll under her shirt and she is going to give birth. Then she has a blanket to wrap her Baby Jesus in and she is going to put him next to the white sheep (our dog) so that the sheep can look at him.

I give you the proof.