Peeper

When we moved into this neighborhood, everyone couldn't stop talking about what a great place this was to live. For the most part, we haven't been disappointed. Everyone is so friendly and we all are getting to know eachother.

There is one thing though, that I cannot abide. We have a peeper people. What's worse, I don't think he works alone. He comes out late at night and plants himself outside my bedroom window. His huge eyes peer at me, and even when he knows I see him, he stays there as if he moved, the jig would be up. He is stealthy and cunning and so confident in his skills. I have even been brazen enough to confront the pervert and ask him what his deal is.

His reply? "It ain't easy being green."

Church

I have started attending a local church here. Well, half of my street decided to check out this church and we all ended up liking it. It’s a really cool place. The have a large sanctuary in one building, a coffee shop/bookstore in a second building, and two other buildings that provide children’s church services for kids. One of those buildings has its own sanctuary where all of the classes will meet for an actual children’s service with a puppet show, or sign language demonstration. Then the kids have a snack and go outside to play on their playground. All of the buildings are connected with a covered walkway. It’s actually very similar to a resort, instead of a church.

The services are nice. The worship is a little long for me. I’ve contemplated being 40 minutes late so that I don’t have to stand through the whole thing. The sermons themselves are nice too.

The pastor is quite funny and as I’ve mentioned he works some interesting things into his service. For example, a couple of weeks ago he was talking about how we need to share that we are a Christian and not be ashamed or embarrassed that we love Christ. He was relating a counseling story to us and saying how the man he was counseling was complaining that he and his wife had not been intimate for months. He couldn’t remember the last time they kissed and he was really frustrated. He had been taking care of things himself and it was almost replacing the intimacy that he should have with his wife. The man continued to regale the pastor with money issues, and problems with work and his children. The pastor asked him, “Do you pray about your troubles? Do you talk to God about it? Are you giving all that you can to God whether through volunteering or tithing?” At this point, the man clammed up and, “That’s between me and God.”

The pastor had a great laugh about this, and was puzzled how the man could talk so openly about his problems, and his sex life, but his relationship with God was too private. I thought it was hilarious. I love talking about sex and hearing a pastor talk about it in a funny way really made my day.

I don’t think I’m in love with this church. Religion has always been a family thing for me and Erik is not interested in going. I don’t want to push him because I pushed my ex husband and it was one of the things that led to our divorce. I do like that there are so many people there that it is easy to blend in. I’m not noticed as a new person and swarmed over, which I am grateful for. I have crowd anxiety I think. Always have.

I think I’ll keep going for awhile. I am getting up early by habit because I get up early with Dani. The day is really long when I spend it all day at home and the service helps to break up the day. E likes having a couple of hours to work around the house and study for an AF course that he is taking. The pastor is preaching from one chapter of a book each week. Right now he is working through Mark. I find it interesting and I am glad for the in depth teaching and explanation that he gives. So for now, for me, it’s OK. Like I said, I’m not “on fire” so I think I’ll be OK.

Stagnant

I haven’t known lately what to blog about. My class is going well; I almost aced the first test. My second class starts in a couple of weeks. Dani is doing awesome in school. She is starting to read and write and they have computer lab. For kindergarten. This is what she told us the other night about computer lab.

“I go to the computer and I type in ‘ourlastnameD’ and then my numbers 8749 and they turn into stars!!!”
It took me a second and I said, “Oh, are those numbers your password?”
She squeals, “YES!!” My god, they are teaching 5 year olds how to log onto a computer. Last week she wanted E to get off the computer and she said, “Daddy, file then exit.”

E had a flight picnic today that spouses were privileged to attend. I love lukewarm chicken bbq sandwiches with funky sauce, sour coleslaw, and Pepsi. Blech. But I had the shakes so bad, I had to eat something.

I don’t know whether to be optimistic about this cycle or not. I feel kind of funny. When I get hungry, I get the shakes really bad. I’ve been really dizzy off and on. Yesterday after church, I had to lie down and I took almost a 3 hour nap. Every little ‘symptom’ that I have makes me wonder. I am doing my best to quash those little ‘what ifs’ so that I am not devastated in the end.

Julie and Leggy have had me thinking for the past week and I wonder at what time will I feel that magical “My family is complete” feeling? It’s been a long ten years, and I’m very tired. If we are lucky enough to have another baby, will I feel complete?

It makes me think a lot about growing up and never feeling complete about my life. My happiness. My role….in anything. I remember when E and I got married (we had our 8th anniversary on the 29th of August by the way) the first couple of years that were married were blissful. I was never so happy. I was still very sad every couple of months or so when I would get my period again. But we were happy and that was OK for awhile. I think what broke my happiness streak was when we visited my mom and she was on the phone with my sister. My mom was trying to give her advice because my sis was really worn out from work and not feeling well. I thought that my sister was pregnant and not telling my mom. I didn’t say anything either because it wasn’t my place to suggest it. When E and I were on our way home, we were talking and he said that he needed to tell me something. I said, “my sister is pregnant isn’t she.” He said yes and wondered how I knew. I just knew. People can’t hide things from me.

Of course I was upset. Here I was on my second husband, trying with him for a couple of years trying to have a baby and my sister gets pregnant by her cheating boyfriend. At this point my youngest sister had already had a baby who was 2 at this time. I asked him why no one told me while we were there and I got the “No one wanted you to be upset.” He let me know that he did not agree with that and he wanted to tell me when my mother pulled him aside to ask him to break it to me gently. Well, all that did was make me angry. Let me deal people!!!! Please.

When I did get pregnant with Dani, I couldn’t give my parents their first granddaughter, or grandson. My sisters did that. But I was able to give them the first legitimate grandchild. At least I got one first.

Please

Please tell me that while wandering through the GIRLS' section at Target today, I did NOT see padded bras available.... for girls... like age 9.

Please tell me that while watching FitTv, I did NOT see a show telling how rid our homes of 'chemical soup' by airing out our furniture if we MUST by non-organic products.

Please tell me, how is my Daisy Scout troop supposed to raise money for activities if, according to the leadership manual, Daisy's are not permitted to participate in fundraisers.

Please tell me how to get Dani to attend Sunday school so that I can attend the adult service without distraction.

Please tell me that even though 8 of 8 OPKs told me that I did NOT ovulate this month, I really did.

Please tell me that the 5 pounds that I gained in the last week are due to hormones and NOT to the dozen of Krispy Kremes that I ate in 3 days.

Please tell me why more pastors don't work sex jokes into their services. This really makes the message clearer for me to understand and who doesn't like a good sex joke?

Please tell me if it is possible to blend in a room of 300 people as the only 1 who did not partake in communion at church.

Anyone?

Get Me My Tool Belt

I found a beautiful counter height table and chairs last week and since we needed a new table, I bought it. It arrived at the warehouse yesterday so I drove to Pensacola, got lost, picked up the furniture, got lost, called my neighbor to get Dani from the bus, and got home as fast as I could. I got here just a few minutes after the bus, so everyone was still walking down the street. Phew.

E and I spent the evening assembling the chairs (I opted to save myself $100 by picking up the furniture and assembling myself). We got the chairs put together and brought in the table… and had no HARDWARE. I was so mad. I called them this morning. I told them that I had made a special trip into the city yesterday and that I can’t do that everyday. The next truck that comes out will be Tuesday. So, we might go into P’Cola on Saturday but if not, I won’t get to sit at my table until Tuesday. E says we can eat Japanese style.

I slapped him.

Karma

Remember several weeks back where I wrote about the Creepy Neighborhood Kid and my list of things that I didn’t like about him? Well, number 19 was “when he comes over, he rings the door bell and bangs on the door and peeks through the window until we answer the door.” Well, he still comes over a couple of times a week with other kids in the neighborhood because we got Dani a trampoline for her birthday in July, and they don’t have one. So they come over here to jump on her trampoline.

On Monday we were at another neighbor’s house for a pool party. We had a great day. Last evening, the CNK’s dad came over and told us that on Monday, the boy and his friend had come over to play. Well they knocked on the door and we didn’t answer. I imagine that they proceeded to walk along the porch, and peek in the windows. While they were doing this, they ended up by my bedroom window which is in the front of the house. They got attacked by wasps that had started building a nest behind the shutter of my bedroom window. They ran home screaming that they had gotten stung when they were knocking on the windows.

I knew the nest was there. I was waiting to spray it during an evening when they weren’t so feisty. Well, I told the dad that and he was OK. He just wanted us to know that there was a nest there. That was neighborly of him. But I had a weird sense of Karma come over me. I bet that kid won’t be banging on my house again.

Choice

The upcoming state primary elections and the newest controversy in insuring IVF women got me thinking about the Women’s Right to Choose platform. I know that politics are a no no topic for a lot of people but I don’t really care. I’m dying for some interaction.

I have always believed that a women should have the right to choose what she wants to do to her body. I don’t think that it is right to have an abortion to avoid dealing with an unwanted event. However, I do believe that if the mother and child’s life is in danger, then the possibility should be explored. I could never choose to end an embryo/fetus’s life. Probably because it has been something that I have been denied, but if the crisis arose that my life was in danger, and the child that I carried was in danger, I would have to weigh my decision carefully. Thankfully, I have an amazing supportive husband who I know would be with me through that crisis, so I feel better in that way.

I had a friend in high school who found out that she was pregnant and the father was an obsessive type person. She decided to have an abortion because she was still in school, her mother couldn’t support a baby, and she was terrified that the baby’s father would have a severely negative effect on both their lives. I didn’t support her decision; in fact, I volunteered to raise her baby for her until we graduated high school. Even though I didn’t agree with her decision she was still my friend and I anguished the day that she wasn’t at school because I knew what she was doing.

Last week, with the news that insurance companies in England may start denying obese, infertile women IVF treatments, I started thinking of the Women’s Right to Choose on the other end of the spectrum. If we believe that a women has the right to choose whether she seeks medical help to end a pregnancy, shouldn’t she also have the right to choose if she seeks medical care to achieve pregnancy? I’ll admit that I am ignorant in what most insurance companies will cover in the scheme of abortions or infertility treatments so I’m going on my own assumptions. Also for me this isn't really a weight issue. While I'm sure that my doctor isn't ecstatic about my weight, it goes deeper for me.

I have been on that end of the spectrum. I have had a doctor tell me that I had no business trying to have a baby. I’ve had two tell me that it wasn’t a good time because of an impending move. I’ve had another tell me that I had too much going on. And you know what? Now that I realize that the past 10 years they have been telling me what to do with my body? I’m really ticked!!! What gives them the right to tell me what my wishes are? Why should I be denied to choose to have a baby every year if that’s what I wanted? What makes them know what is best for me? What gives them the right to choose for me?