Stagnant

I haven’t known lately what to blog about. My class is going well; I almost aced the first test. My second class starts in a couple of weeks. Dani is doing awesome in school. She is starting to read and write and they have computer lab. For kindergarten. This is what she told us the other night about computer lab.

“I go to the computer and I type in ‘ourlastnameD’ and then my numbers 8749 and they turn into stars!!!”
It took me a second and I said, “Oh, are those numbers your password?”
She squeals, “YES!!” My god, they are teaching 5 year olds how to log onto a computer. Last week she wanted E to get off the computer and she said, “Daddy, file then exit.”

E had a flight picnic today that spouses were privileged to attend. I love lukewarm chicken bbq sandwiches with funky sauce, sour coleslaw, and Pepsi. Blech. But I had the shakes so bad, I had to eat something.

I don’t know whether to be optimistic about this cycle or not. I feel kind of funny. When I get hungry, I get the shakes really bad. I’ve been really dizzy off and on. Yesterday after church, I had to lie down and I took almost a 3 hour nap. Every little ‘symptom’ that I have makes me wonder. I am doing my best to quash those little ‘what ifs’ so that I am not devastated in the end.

Julie and Leggy have had me thinking for the past week and I wonder at what time will I feel that magical “My family is complete” feeling? It’s been a long ten years, and I’m very tired. If we are lucky enough to have another baby, will I feel complete?

It makes me think a lot about growing up and never feeling complete about my life. My happiness. My role….in anything. I remember when E and I got married (we had our 8th anniversary on the 29th of August by the way) the first couple of years that were married were blissful. I was never so happy. I was still very sad every couple of months or so when I would get my period again. But we were happy and that was OK for awhile. I think what broke my happiness streak was when we visited my mom and she was on the phone with my sister. My mom was trying to give her advice because my sis was really worn out from work and not feeling well. I thought that my sister was pregnant and not telling my mom. I didn’t say anything either because it wasn’t my place to suggest it. When E and I were on our way home, we were talking and he said that he needed to tell me something. I said, “my sister is pregnant isn’t she.” He said yes and wondered how I knew. I just knew. People can’t hide things from me.

Of course I was upset. Here I was on my second husband, trying with him for a couple of years trying to have a baby and my sister gets pregnant by her cheating boyfriend. At this point my youngest sister had already had a baby who was 2 at this time. I asked him why no one told me while we were there and I got the “No one wanted you to be upset.” He let me know that he did not agree with that and he wanted to tell me when my mother pulled him aside to ask him to break it to me gently. Well, all that did was make me angry. Let me deal people!!!! Please.

When I did get pregnant with Dani, I couldn’t give my parents their first granddaughter, or grandson. My sisters did that. But I was able to give them the first legitimate grandchild. At least I got one first.