Confessions of a Lurker

I’ve had a rough couple of weeks. I feel like I’ve been torn into a few different directions, mostly all by me. I think that the pill I was on was seriously messing with my head. I have had the goriest and scary thoughts occurring to me mostly when I am alone. Today I was at my local clinic waiting to get a script filled and I can count about 5 times when I almost broke down into tears. Why? Damned if I know. Most thoughts come to me when I am driving. Usually when I am alone because that is when I am alone with my thoughts. I remember one instance I was driving and it was late, about 2 am. I felt fine, but I saw a vehicle driving towards me. An immediate thought came to me, “What if that person swerves at the last second and drives head on into me.” Immediately I could imagine what my van would look like. Then I pictured what I would look like. I could see the steering wheel pressed into my body and I could feel the life leaving my body. It really scared me. These thoughts have just been progressively worse since I started taking BCPs.

After waiting for a week for a doctor to call me back regarding the itching on my arms, she finally called back and prescribed me a different pill*. So I guess I will be a pill whore for a little while. I was talking to my husband last night and I was pissed because I hadn’t heard back from a doctor. I told him that I could probably call the doctor and get to talk to someone about my itching and all would fine. But I’m pretty tired of being jerked around by our medical system. Oh, and IT’S NOT MY JOB TO REMIND MY DOCTORS TO CALL ME!!

*Our fine military doctors have 72 hours to return a phone call. At the time of my conversation with my husband it had been 108 hours (4.5 days with a weekend thrown in for good measure).*

I also have this fantasy of a doctor calling me and mentioning that he/she doesn’t want to risk an accidental pregnancy by switching drugs too often. I picture myself laughing and saying, “Hello!!!! Do you have any information on me?? Accidental pregnancy is not something I’m concerned about.”

Religion has also been on my mind. A few weeks ago we went to a new church. Biggest selling point to me was that they start their Sunday service at 11. I like being in church but sometimes it’s embarrassing. I get very emotional and I have a hard time keeping my composure. I wouldn’t say I’m moved by the spirit, but my spirit relaxes. I feel like a church is the one place where I can go and completely let my guard down. The downside of church is all those Christians who hang out there. Don’t get me wrong, I love humanity, think religion is great, but everyone else’s religion is not for me. I just want to be with God. I don’t want to do the Secret Sister, handing out flyers, ministering to the public Christian thing. Another thing I want from church is just old fashioned fellowship. I think I need to be around people. Now, this all seems reasonable right? Well, throw my husband into the mix and going to church becomes about as fun as pulling teeth.

He wants the debate. He doesn’t want to shatter everyone’s faith; he just wants to clarify his own. The problem here is that when he listens to a sermon, he has to pick it apart and analyze the points that he doesn’t agree with. Now, he has never gotten into any kind of a discussion with a minister or anything like that, but he has with me. And let me tell you, this man has some ideas. If he had any fact to back them up, he could probably create his own theology. But it’s frustrating to go to church with someone who doesn’t agree with the concept of church. And granted neither do I, we just go for very different reasons. I just want some friends. You know, friends, those people that you surround yourself with who share similar ideals. The people whose house you go to for dinner and who have kids your kid’s age. We don’t have that.

Right now the closest thing I have to friends are the other women whose blogs I visit religiously (listed at right). I consider them my friends, but in no way is it 2 way communication. I have looked to them for strength and encouragement when I am feeling hopeless. They will probably never know how much their trials help me through my own. I comment once in awhile on their blogs hoping that they will wander to me, and a couple have, but I don’t think that I am much of an influence on them. Someday when we are all in better places, I hope to be able to let them know how much they have helped me. Until then, I am a devout lurker.

Catching Up

Our dossier is officially in Russia. Just waiting the translation and authentication process. I swear, I honestly don't see how people can view adoption as "doing such a good thing", or "making a difference in the world". In general, I agree with those statements however, this whole process is so taxing. Its so hard to believe that I am doing something "good" when I need to validate my role as a possible parent to a child who needs love and a home. My hubby and I have been fingerprinted by our agency, Homeland Security, interviewed, background checked, spent nearly $10,000 in the past 12 months and very often I feel like we have nothing to show for it. Sure, all we are waiting for now is a referral and that could come anytime after the next 3 weeks, but where am I supposed to fit in until then?

I dreamt last night that my husband came home from work and told me that he had to go to a training school for 6 weeks. In actuality, he may have to go and we are trying to get him to go later this month rather than after the New Year because we will most likely be traveling. Anyway, he starts crying and says he can't leave me for six weeks because he got me pregnant. In disbelief, I say, "What?!?!" Evidently some doctor that he saw that day told him that I was pregnant. I don't know how the doctor knew this because I hadn't seen one all day. While my husband is distraught at the thought of leaving me in the beginning of a pregnancy; I am telling him that it is impossible. I just kept telling him that logically it didn't make sense.

In real life, I am on the pill. My doctor diagnosed me with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). He said bc pills will help regulate me. I have been on it for 2 1/2 months. And yes, I have regular periods. But OH MY GOD, my left arm itches like crazy and I think that it is related to the pill. I noticed that the itching was the worst in the first week of the pack. It got a little less the second week, and now in the third week, it's just a little itchy. I had to stop going to the tanning bed because tanning aggravated it even more. I can't seem to win. So I am going to finish this pack and then wait to see if the itching stops. It is driving me crazy. If the itching does stop, then I know I can't take that pill. If it doesn't, I'll have to renew my prescription.

I think that my going off the pill is giving me false hope. That little voice in the back of my head is saying you might be able to get pregnant now!! I wish I could shut it up.