Blech

I wanted to end the year on a high note. But I'm not feeling too high right now. Inside I always wish that the holidays will be magical and I will finally 'get it'. But they are always so conflicting to me. I treasure all of the excitement held by children, but I can't help but miss what is missing. It's not only Lana this year; I don't have good relationships with my sisters. I try to reach out but they don't appreciate it and it bothers me.

My brother called me the other day and said that he and his boyfriend broke up the day after Thanksgiving. They were together for 3 1/2 years. I'm very sad about this because I love that guy. Bro says that they still love each other, they both realize that they need to sort some stuff out to be a positive influence on each other instead of an emotional drain. Which I agree with. The Boyfriend is still not divorced from his wife and my brother is trying to get an education. So, I agree that it is time for them to separate, but I'm very sad that they aren't together. They still see one another all the time because they hang out at all the same places. They are being really mature about it.

I called my Dad Christmas Eve to see if he got the box I sent him and he hasn't called me back. Which makes me think that if something had happened to him...say he developed lung cancer from smoking for 30 years, he wouldn't tell me because "there's nothing you can do anyway". I tend to think of the worse possible explanation for things so that when nothing is wrong I'm happy.

My uncle, who is wheelchair bound, has been struggling with kidney stones and urinary tract infections for YEARS. The latest bout has him in an assisted living center being administered antibiotics and bored out of his mind. My mom keeps emailing me with daily updates which are terrifying. One day he's getting better, the next they found a blood clot near his IV site which had cut circulation off to his arm. Then he's doing better, next the staff 'forgets' to give his antibiotic cocktail. It's up and down every day it seems.

E is frustrated with me because I seem off. And I am, I don't deny it, but I would rather just keep it to myself because I can't really define what I am feeling anyway.

School does not go back until the 4th. Dani has been out since the 19th. I'm going a little bit nuts. On the good side, E has had the entire week off and as a bonus the 2nd is a Mourning Day so government employees will have an extra day off. Oh, and my stupid Meteorology teacher gave me a B.

Blogging: I love reading. I get lost in the writing because everyone seems to have fantastic things happening. Like spending their first Christmas as a family together, or completing their adoption, or getting pregnant.

I guess I had a lot more to say than I thought I did. If nothing else this is a good place for me to vent. I hope that when the end of 2007 rolls around I will be happy.

I also want to wish you all a Very Happy New Year. I hope that good luck and love will find each and everyone of you this year.

Now That's Love

How do I know E loves me?

Instead of calling my stretch marks a roadmap he calls them Tiger Stripes.

How do you know your honeys love you?

Surgery

I am currently waiting for the RE's office to call me back with a surgery date. Last month during the meeting discussing my treatment plan The Doc brought up having a laproscopy done. At first I didn't want to do it. I told him that I would rather try a couple of more cycles with Clomid and then if it didn't work, have the lap. After a few days, I decided that I would rather have the lap done sooner than later because, really, who wants to fail for 2 more months. And if I have endo, then an fertilized egg is not going to implant anyway, at least from my understanding.

So, I am waiting to hear the surgery date which will be in January sometime. The only days that The Doc does surgery is on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Which happen to fall on the only 2 days of the week that I have scheduled my classes for the Spring Semester. I did it that way because every appt. that I have had with the RE has been on a Monday or Wednesday, so I thought I was heading off a lot of scheduling conflicts. Not so I guess.

They just called. Surgery on the 11th. Which is the first night of my Business Math class. Hopefully I will be able to muscle through a few minutes of the class to get my syllabus and first assignments. I will also miss my 2 classes that I have in the morning.

That class will be interesting I think. It is called a blended class which means that some of the class is done via web/email and they meet every other week instead of twice a week.

As for this semester, I think I did really well. I aced my Economic final and finished the semester out with a 97%. I'm not sure about my Meteorology class. I have to email the instuctor and give her permission to release my grades via email. I am slightly OCD with my grades. For the first year that we lived in Alaska I took classes with University of Phoenix. With them you only take one class at a time and they are 5 weeks long. I maintained a 3.85 GPA and I intend on doing that taking classes on campus. So everytime I get a grade back from a teacher I write it down and calculate what I need on the next assignment/test to maintain my A. If I had done this when I was still in high school, I may have gone to college much sooner. I'm kicking myself for that one.

So, surgery is set and that's where we are on the conception front.

Exposure

Let's say that you have family visiting for a holiday, what the Hell, let's say Thanksgiving. The visit is going well but you can't help to be slightly stressed because...well because its family. And let's assume that to help you loosen up, you decide to throw and improptu wine party and go to the store to buy a couple of bottles. You get back home, everyone starts drinking, having a nice civilized time. Somehow, you end up drinking a whole bottle and you really start having fun. You're cracking jokes, everyone is laughing. You have the coveted moment of clarity that happens in the miniscule moment between buzzed and drunk and everyone is having a great time.

Let's say that one of your guests, your mother, starts taking pictures and you really don't mind because....well you have drank a bottle of wine. The next morning you wake up semi early about 8. You are getting a simple breakfast together and making your plan of action for tackling the impending feast. You feel fine considering you are marinating in a bottle of Reisling (a couple of Excedrin before bed help stave off the 'morning after'). Your mother breaks out the camera again because your child is playing a 'song' on her little keyboard and its just too cute to pass up. You don't realize it, but she gets a few shots of you in your nightgown (nothing flashy because you have company), and your bedhead, and your fat.

Fastforward through the day, dinner goes off without a hitch, your neighbors get along with your family better than you do and the evening ends on a great note. All in all, a great day.

A few days later after your family has been home, you get an email from her with pictures of their trip. Oh, and not only you, but all of her friends and obscure family that she is electronic contact with. No worries right? Until you scroll down and see drunk pictures of yourself. Oh and pictures of yourself in your nightgown....with bedhead.... and FAT.

So, what do you do. Calm yourself with another bottle of Reisling? Call your mother and ask her what the heck she was thinking sending everyone drunk pictures of you? Or just do nothing because really, what good would it do?

Return

*breathless*

*gasp*

She.... she.... she's back!!!

Soper!!!!

The first adoption blog that I found!!!!

See that little button on the top of the screen? Next Blog?

The first day that I started my blog, I clicked that button. And I found Soper (when she was still on blogger). She was, at that point, slightly ahead of E and I in our adoption. I drooled over her blogroll and that is how I eventually found all of you and so many more.

I followed her closely, holding my breath on her blind referral, turning down of a referral, and receiving a second one for Moonpie. I ate up her posts about the month that she spent in Kaz waiting to bring Moonpie home. I finally exhaled upon hearing that they made it home despite issues with passports and such only to be bombarded with her mother developing cancer.

Then, shortly after bringing Moonpie home, she stopped blogging. And shortly after that, we got our referral for Lana and subsequently lost her. I saw Soper sometimes posting on other blogs and I even checked back once in awhile. Once, I checked her blog and it was password protected so I emailed her to see if she was blogging again but never got a response.

But know she's back!!! I can't wait to hear how her year has gone.